Talking to Young Children about Separation or Divorce: A Guide for Parents
Talking to your children about separation or divorce is a challenging and emotional task, but it is crucial to handle it with care, honesty, and reassurance. Below is a structured guide to help parents navigate this difficult conversation and support their children through the process.
1. Plan the Conversation
Choose the Right Time & Place: Aim to tell your children on a day when you have time to be together, such as a weekend. Avoid holidays, special occasions, or times just before school or bedtime. This gives them space to process the news and ask questions.
Be Prepared: Both parents should plan the conversation together. Agree on what you will say, how you will say it, and who will speak first. This helps to avoid any confusion and ensures a unified message.
Get Help if Needed: If you’re struggling to communicate with your spouse or partner, consider consulting a mediator, divorce coach, or counsellor to help plan and deliver the conversation.
2. Tell Your Children Together
Present a United Front: It's important that both parents are present for this conversation, even if it’s hard. Children need to see that you are still working together as parents, even though your relationship is changing.
Timing for Different Ages: If you have children of different ages, start by telling them the basics of the situation together. You can then follow up with more detailed conversations with older children if necessary.
3. Develop a Non-Blaming Narrative
Avoid Blame: Do not assign blame or talk about whose “fault” the separation is. Children may feel torn or responsible if they hear one parent blaming the other.
Use “We” Language: Frame the separation as a mutual decision. For example, say, “We tried to work things out, but we weren’t happy together,” or “We both want different things in life now.”
4. Share the Reasons, But Keep it Simple
Explain in Age-Appropriate Terms: Be honest but avoid overwhelming your children with details. Young children don’t need to know the specifics, while older children may ask for more information.
5. Explain What Will Change and What Will Stay the Same
Address Their Concerns: Children want to know how the separation will affect their daily lives. Be clear about living arrangements, school, and who they will spend time with.
Reassurance: Emphasize that certain things will stay the same, such as their school, friends, and activities. Reassure them that your love for them will never change, no matter what happens.
Avoid False Promises: Don’t promise things you might not be able to deliver, such as always being together for holidays or special events.
6. Tell Them Who Will Be Moving
Explain Who Will Leave the Home: Children need to know which parent will be moving out and where they will live. If the move is not yet finalized, let them know the general plan.
Quality Time with Both Parents: Make sure they know that they will still spend time with both parents regularly, even if they are no longer living in the same house.
7. Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault
No Blame: Children often blame themselves for their parents' separation. Be very clear that the divorce is not their fault and that nothing they did could have caused or prevented it.
Offer Reassurance: Let them know it’s an adult problem, and there’s nothing they can do to fix it. The love you have for them will remain unchanged.
8. Expect a Range of Reactions
Be Prepared for Different Emotions: Children may have no reaction, act out, or cry. They might ask questions or seem indifferent. Be patient and give them time to process their feelings.
Validate Their Emotions: It’s okay for children to see you upset as well. It’s important that they feel safe expressing their emotions too, but they should not be made to comfort you.
9. Encourage Questions (But Don’t Pressure)
Open Communication: Encourage your children to ask questions, but don’t pressure them to talk immediately. Let them know it’s okay to ask questions later as they process the changes.
Keep It Simple: Answer questions honestly, but avoid overwhelming them with too much information, especially about legal or financial matters.
10. Give Them Time to Adjust
Understand That It Takes Time: It will take time for your children to adjust to the changes in their lives. Be emotionally available and offer reassurance as needed.
Model Healthy Coping: As you heal from the separation, model healthy ways of coping. This will help them understand that while the change is hard, it is something they can adjust to.
Additional Tips for Parents:
Tell Your Children Early: Aim to tell them 2-3 weeks before the separation occurs. This gives them time to process and adjust.
Use Concrete Examples for Young Children: For younger children, use physical objects to explain the concept of two homes. For example, place a tissue box at one end of the table and a cracker box at the other, explaining that one is each parent’s home, and sometimes they will stay at one, sometimes the other.
Follow Up Conversations: The first conversation is just the beginning. Be prepared for follow-up conversations as more details are figured out and as your children adjust.
Don’t Speak Negatively About the Other Parent: Always avoid speaking badly about the other parent in front of your children. This can create confusion and emotional distress for them.
Maintain Consistency: Keep as many routines the same as possible. Consistent routines and familiar activities offer children a sense of security.
Respect Their Feelings: Recognize that your child might feel torn between parents. Be patient and understanding as they navigate their emotions.
Making the Transition Easier:
Visitation and Living Arrangements: Discuss visitation schedules and living arrangements with the other parent before informing the children. Once the plans are finalized, be transparent with your children about what to expect.
Maintain Connection: Encourage your child to maintain connections with extended family members and close friends. These relationships provide additional support.
Inform Teachers and Caregivers: Let your child’s teachers, caregivers, or coaches know what’s happening so they can provide additional support if needed.
Respect Boundaries: Be respectful of boundaries set by the other parent, and always work to maintain consistent rules and discipline across both households.
By planning the conversation carefully, maintaining open communication, and offering reassurance, you can help your children adjust to the changes in their family and feel supported throughout the process.
Let’s Talk About Stages of Development
It’s essential to tailor your conversations to your child's age and level of understanding to help them process the change.
Age 3–4: Preschoolers
Key Characteristics:
Limited ability to understand cause and effect: They won’t fully grasp how or why the divorce is happening.
Egocentric thinking: They often believe the world revolves around them and might feel that they are to blame.
Blurry lines between fantasy and reality: They may find it confusing and hard to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not.
Limited emotional vocabulary: They can feel strong emotions but don’t have the words to express them.
Signs of Distress:
Fear, anger, clinginess, whining, or emotional instability.
Regressive behaviours such as thumb-sucking, asking for a favorite toy more frequently, or waking up more often at night.
Temporary developmental setbacks, like becoming more dependent or having trouble sleeping alone.
How to Talk to a Preschooler:
Keep it simple: Use straightforward, clear language. Avoid complex details.
Provide security: Emphasize that both parents love them and will always be there. Hug them often, and stick to familiar routines like meal times, play, and bed.
Reassure them: Explain that the change is between adults, not their fault, and both parents still love them.
Short, frequent conversations: They won’t process everything in one go, so plan for multiple, brief talks.
Sample Script for Explaining Divorce: "Mommy and Daddy love you very much, and we always will. Mommy will stay here, and Daddy will live in a different house. You'll still see him, and he'll always love you just like Mommy does."
Age 6–8: School-Aged Children
Key Characteristics:
Better emotional expression: They can now talk about their feelings, though they may not always want to.
Less egocentric: They are developing a broader understanding of the world and can think beyond themselves.
Growing social world: They are building friendships and becoming more aware of life outside the home.
Signs of Distress:
Fear, sadness, anxiety, anger, or confusion.
They may fantasize about parents getting back together or believe they are somehow responsible for the divorce.
They might have a harder time understanding the permanence of the separation.
How to Talk to a School-Aged Child:
Listen more than you speak: Give them time to share their thoughts and feelings.
Keep it simple but honest: Don’t overwhelm them with too many details. They need to understand that this is an adult decision, not something they caused.
Create opportunities for open conversations: Reading books on divorce can help them express their feelings. Keep an eye out for moments when they might want to talk, such as after school or during bedtime.
Validate their emotions: Acknowledge that feeling upset is normal and encourage them to express their feelings. Remind them that both parents will always love them and that the family dynamic will still provide love and support.
Sample Script for Explaining Divorce: "Mommy and Daddy care about each other and we love being your parents, but we decided it’s best not to stay married. Mommy will stay here, and Daddy will have his own house nearby. We’ll both spend lots of time with you, and we will always be your parents. We’ll always love you, and we’ll always take care of you."
After the Conversation
Give them time to process: Kids may ask questions right away, or they may be quiet. Either is normal. Be patient and available for more talks later.
Use play to help them open up: Younger children, especially, may find it easier to express their feelings through play. Consider a Play-Doh station, drawing, or reading books about divorce.
Stay consistent: Continue to provide love, reassurance, and stability. If your child asks the same questions repeatedly, it’s okay to answer them again—kids often need to hear things several times to fully absorb them.
Additional Resources for Children:
Books on Divorce for Children: Books can be a great way to help children process their emotions in a non-threatening way. Some excellent books for kids going through divorce include:
Two Homes by Claire Masurel
Mum and Dad Glue by Gray and Kes Gray
Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown
Every child is different, and how they react to divorce depends on many factors, including their temperament and previous experiences. However, by approaching the conversation with honesty, simplicity, and reassurance, you can help them navigate this challenging time. Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open and ensure they feel loved and secure, no matter the changes ahead.